If Crushes Were Horses Beggars Will Ride.

My brief romance with the Star Wars Prince – John Boyega.

Photo from John’s Instagram

Some weeks back JB put up a post on his Instagram account. See post below.

Yours truly found post funny and commented —Dead! with lots of laughing emojis. One would have done it though. I keep scolding myself for always overdoing it with the emojis.

Minutes later JB was in my DM.

What???????????

“Hey…” He said…

“I saw your comment on my post…so you know gaming?”

If giggles could be heard over chats JB would know he got me at hey.

Me replying seconds later with shaky hands and sweaty palms…

Me? No way…no oo…please oo… I don’t oo..

That was me about to reply like a typical Nigerian but thought against it.

“Yes. I do.” I type in and erase again.

Me to myself — just be yourself.

“Actually I don’t.” I type that in instead and send.

“Wow…I expected a yes, even if it’s a lie.” JB replied.

“Nah…I’d rather stick to my truth.”

“Wow…don’t you know who I am?” JB types back.

Me  – Of course I know who you are, I go to sleep every night looking at your pictures…

Again I erase and type this instead…

“Of course I know who you are, like I said earlier, I’d rather be honest. Start this on a good note.”

“I’m impressed.” JB replies.

You won’t be impressed when I am stalking you like a retard. I can’t wait till we get to video calling.

I didn’t say that to him though, I had to thread softly didn’t want to trigger any red lights.

---

That was how I and John became friends and slowly we started building a relationship, we went from strangers to friends and we spent the…

Rude awakening guys, this all happened in my very small head. These are all just dreams of an ordinary girl. Honestly, my head literally smokes daily from fantasies about JB.

I think my Zodiac sign is to blame for all of this…I read somewhere that people with the Sign Pisces constantly weave fairytales in their heads. I am beginning to believe that to be true, because in my head I have a coach, a glass castle, glass shoes and I am married to John Boyega.

---

Crushes and Wishes

Now let’s talk about crushes, everyone’s had them, some can’t even keep count of the many crushes they have had and the wishes they have made over those crushes. It turns out crushes and wishes go hand in hand – I found that out as an adult celebrity stalker

Prior to now, I use to beat myself up about having a crush, especially when it’s over a celebrity. I was that friend who would give her girl friends an ear full for having a celebrity crush, well until JB came along. Now I can’t keep quiet about him.

SOMEBODY PLEASE INOCULATE ME WITH A CRUSH TRANQUILIZER!!!!

Wait….

If I could have one wish before I am innoculated it would be to play the PS5 with JB, or better still Star Wars LEGO. I have no idea how any of these games are played though, but it would be so much fun to have him teach me – imagine the many other things he could teach me while we are at it. Well like they say, if wishes were horses beggars will ride.

---

My crush on the Star Wars actor began over a year ago after I saw the movie Half of a Yellow Sun. Somehow it deepened after his passionate rant on his IG live about racist comments on his post.

His speech at the BLM protest in London summed it up for me.

After watching his live video I literally attacked his page with emojis of love and kisses. Afterwards I spent the entire day watching the same video over and over again. Sometimes I wonder why I’m so weird.

Initially I was following him on one of my Instagram account, but now I follow him on both my account – now I get to see him in two places, sometimes I even screenshot the same picture twice. Damn!

---

Before now I will never publicly admit to having a crush, only family and friends were privy to such information.

Some folks think I’m uptight about feelings like crushes because I’m African and Africans frown on things like publicly declaring your affection for the opposite sex.

Well in the Africa I know now… guess what? No one gives a hoot! People who say this are the ones who still think Africans are simpletons. Well listen we all were, even the so called superior races were once simpletons – only ignoramuses would practice something as outrageous as human slavery – OOPS!

What crushes actually feel like.

I am going to be describing to you how I have been feeling since my crush on JB began. White people call it GIDDY but Nigerians call it MUMU. Do not get me wrong I have had a few crushes but hardly a celebrity crush – for me having a crush on a celebrity is like wishing on the stars. Those kind of wishes hardly ever come through.

I will be using Nigerian terms in my descriptions to sweeten the mix.

• You always feel giddy and excited when you think about your crush – your body go dey tortori you.
• Sometimes you do silly things to get their attention – your mumu go just dey push you. For me it’s overdosing on the emojis.
• You think about them all the time, thoughts of them makes your world spin – your world will just be turnioniown (the later simply translates to turning on it’s own).
• Sometimes you avoid them because you are shy or nervous. Here’s my translation for this – your mumu nah follow come, trust me your village people dey tamper with your brain. Sister come on pia break! Go and meet that boy osiso and stop running around like a headless chicken, he might be Mr. Right.
• Bia (come) even if he is mister left, feel free to drag him to the middle — you cannot lose both ways. This one is for those who have a crush they can actually see and catch.

Well, for me though there will be no headless chicken challenge when I meet JB, I will stick to him like balls to dick. Oh God I cannot believe I just said that!

Baby come let me get you that PS5 it would change both our lives! I promise.

---

Somedays I still seat in my bedroom wishing my crush becomes a horse soon, so I can ride into the sunset with JB screaming behind me…slow down!You’re going way too fast!

Oh shit! I’m so sorry guys I have to go JB is calling…

I do not understand why my phone is not ringing though.