Describing my struggles with insecurity with a song that perfectly outlines what it means to be different.
As women we are naturally wired to be more sensitive, to have those extra concerns about our looks and feel every word deeper than intended. We also tend to lean more towards superficiality than reality. The beauty of being human is the ability to feel. This is why I believe every emotion should be counted as blessing – even insecurity, because at the end of the day these things make us better human beings.
Some people are generally insecure, while others battle with bouts of it here and there. Mine was the former.
My struggles with insecurity began in High School. While my friends were filling out their bodies, my boobs were sprouting like watermelons. I would look at girls my age and feel out of place.
Soon I began to envy their bodies, to yearn for that figure with the perfect waist line. In the process I began to hate mine. I felt many things didn’t fit – I hated my extra-large boobs, they felt too heavy for my body, and even my head didn’t seem like the right size.
I hated the fact that I didn’t have the typical fat ass and perfectly rounded body African females are expected to have. The kind that would catch the attention of any man and have them catcalling like lunatics.
Somehow I managed to survive High School hauling my baggage of insecurity.
I am not a stranger to the dark
From Neediness to Inferiority.
My insecurites heightened when I got into college. I thought the reason I didn’t have male admirers was because I was extremely small and somehow college boys could not see me – even being pretty did not seem to cut it.
Slowly I progressed to the stage of neediness – for a very long time I needed other people’s opinions to feel good about myself. It was like an incessant compulsion to be liked and accepted. Soon I was titering on the edge of outright bipolar. My general disposition was like night and day.
Outside I’d put up a cheerful facade, but in the confines of my room I wanted to rip my entire my body off.
Although feeling inferior wasn’t new, but being in college and faced with several species of hot females worsened my inferiority complex. So I hid away – hiding away meant less school and less socializing.
I wanted to be seen yet I made no move to put myself out there.
So I understand perfectly when Keala Settle sings – I am not a stranger to the dark.
Never conform to the bait of insecurity – it will lead you into arms that won’t fit.
I had a crush on a boy back then in College. He was the first guy I totally liked and wanted to be with. Somehow I thought the feeling was mutual. We would kiss and make out whenever we got together. I lived in blissful ignorance until he met my friend. Weeks after I introduced them he called to tell me he had fallen in love with her. She was tall and quite curvy – imagine how I felt when he chose her over me.
The need to be loved drove me into the wrong arms and it ruined me.
I Chose Doubt.
After that incident in College I closed up. I built a wall around my heart and made sure no one got in or broke through my defenses. I made myself believe that I didn’t need anyone, since no one needed me – I could do bad all by myself.
When he came into my life the restrictions popped up. But he was very good with words and would always call me beautiful. Whenever he calls me beautiful or uses any word denoting beauty to describe me, my insecure mind comes to life and says things like…
I know you’re playing, you just like the rest of em, you wanna get into my panties. Well guess what…no dog is getting in this cage.
Because I’ve been broken before when I found someone who truly cared for me I could not believe in the love he professed. So I doubted him and did what I know how to do best – I ran.
Insecurity kills all that is beautiful.Demi Lovato
I never believed a word he said, but dude was like the black widow – I’m gonna love you, until you hate me. Dude was everywhere! Doing just that.
Those times I’d think to myself why is he so adamant about being with me? He is the kind of dude romance novels would tag a heart breaker. He was tall, handsome, well built, killer smile…the whole enchilada.
Still I worried – why does it have to me, why does he want little old me? I ain’t all that, I ain’t even pretty enough – despite being quite a beauty I never saw myself as beautiful.
They say that every bad boy and well acclaimed heart wrecker would definitely meet his nemesis – his beauty in a world full of beasts. So I thought to myself maybe I was his girl of reckoning, that one who is destined to tame his roaming heart. Like beauty and the beast. Only in this case it was in the reverse – it turns out dude was beauty and I was the beast.
That is what my insecurites did to me, it turned me into a beast. It killed beauty and left a beast in it’s place. I built such solid walls around my heart that I became a beast to protect it.
Conformity is not beauty, conformity is the height of insecurity.
When I finally realized he was not going to give up I decided to give him a chance. But when it was time to get intimate, I froze and asked him to turn off the light. I was too ashamed to show him my body, but he said to me – I want to see all of you.
After a beautiful moment together he took me to the mirror and made me stand in front of it, then he said to me – how can you not see that you are beautiful? Do not conform to the worlds definition of beauty, conformity is the height of insecurity.
Those words stayed will stay with me for the rest of my life.
After we had sex I expected him to move on. I had programmed my mind and was quite prepared for disappointments from men. But he did not leave, he stayed with me. He would whispers to me at every chance – you are beautiful, the day you start seeing your pretty, is the day everyone else will start seeing it. Do not conform to the worlds definition of beauty. Soon his whispers began to shape my mind and thoughts and soon I began to see my beauty.
Pretty doesn’t have to hurt.
Being pretty use to hurt for me because I chose to conform to the worlds standard of beauty, the stipulated and manipulative yardstick the world has set for females, mostly.
Music videos and movies today parade women with the perfect body shape. The entertainment industry in general play a big part in stereotyping the female body. They make women believe they need to look a certain way to be beautiful.
No you don’t!
The only thing anyone would do with a coke bottle is drink it.
People who think like that do not see you, neither do they see your brilliant mind, they only see something to quench their taste/urges.
The glamour of the entertainment world is all glamour and gloss until the camera is gone. They only show the world what they want the world to see – PERFECTION. But when the curtains fall, the performers go back to the real world and leave us stuck in the illusion they have created. I was stuck there for ages until I pulled the surgical blinds.
I was always trying to fix something about myself, but in reality it was my mind that needed surgery. That’s why I could not stop probing and poking until I fixed my mind.
P.S thank you Bey for that incredible song and thank you Sia for that beautiful lyrics.
I do not see those faults anymore, somehow the body I hated and thought was ugly has become my most prized possession. Everything I thought was wrong with my body I do not see them anymore because I fixed my mind. Although I had help but if I did not work on my mind nothing would have changed.
Mind is the Matter
Everything in this world comes from the mind, the idea of a house came from the mind, the idea of building ships and planes came from the mind, the idea of not being beautiful enough is from the mind, and the idea of body reconstruction to fit the supposed standard of beauty is also from the mind, so align your mind and revamp your thinking.
I still have some insecurities but it is not about my looks, and I do not let them run my life. I do not hear those whispers anymore, those voices telling me I am not good enough, or beautiful enough or intelligent enough. I kicked them to the curb and sent my mind to booth camp. Thankfully with the help of my lover I resurface with a revamped mind, a modified identity and an unwavering confidence.
I have switched my garments of insecurities and low self-esteem for confidence and I tell you it fits perfectly and I ain’t taking it off anytime soon.
P.S Love yourself unapologetically, only self love can kill that insecurity.
This is for every woman out there who still struggles with insecurity…
You Are Glorious!
In whatever shade or color you come in – you are glorious!
In whatever height you come in – you are glorious…
In whatever body shape you come in – remember you are glorious…
No matter the size of your brain – you are amazingly and gloriously capable of anything.
These days whenever I am face with my insecurities I scream to it – This is me! And I won’t change me for anything! And somehow I send a flood and drown out those insecurities.